Reconciliation and Forgiveness: The Reactive Side of Unity
In a recent message at Oasis Mennonite Fellowship, we heard about Unity and were reminded that it doesn’t just happen—we have to make it a priority andput it on our calendars. That thought stayed with me this week, especially as I prepared for a teaching session this morning.
As Anabaptist believers, we hope for unity. But unity takes work. Last week’s message focused on the proactive side—building unity before there’s a problem. Today I want to talk about the reactive side: what we do when things break down.
As Proverbs 13:12 says:
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life.
Or, as The Message paraphrases:
Unrelenting disappointment leaves you heartsick.
When relationships are damaged, reconciliation is one of the essential ways we live out unity.
Reconciliation: An Anabaptist Essential
Palmer Becker’s Anabaptist Essentials outlines three core convictions of the Anabaptist tradition (echoing Howard Bender’s Anabaptist Vision):
- Jesus is the center of our faith
- Community is the center of our life
- Reconciliation is the center of our work
Reconciliation is more than just “making things fine.” It means restoring harmony, repairing trust, and being willing to take the first step toward peace—even if you were the one hurt.
Becker writes:
The central problem of humanity is that we offend each other. The result has been broken relationships with God, with each other, with ourselves, and with creation.
And:
When we encounter conflict, we are to “think reconciliation” rather than judgment. But we can’t help others go farther than we have gone ourselves.
Forgiveness: The First Step Toward Reconciliation
Forgiveness removes walls between us and others. Without it, reconciliation rarely happens.
One of my favorite illustrations comes from Leonardo da Vinci. While painting The Last Supper, he decided to use the face of an enemy for Judas Iscariot. But when he came to paint Christ’s face, he couldn’t do it—hatred blocked him. Only after repainting Judas with a neutral face could he move on.
Forgiveness often works the same way: until we release the offense, we can’t clearly see Christ or follow Him fully.
What Happens When We Don’t Forgive?
The Bible gives sobering examples:
- Absalom & Amnon (2 Samuel 13): Absalom’s hatred led to murder.
- David & Shimei (2 Samuel 16, 19; 1 Kings 2): David seemed to forgive but held on to bitterness until his deathbed.
Unforgiveness warps our hearts. In The Cure, the authors list some results:
- We become prosecutors, always looking for proof of our rightness.
- We lose the ability to love well.
- We develop tunnel vision and lose our joy.
- We grow emotionally, mentally, and even physically unhealthy.
- We alienate ourselves from those who won’t “take our side.”
- We begin questioning God’s motives and care.
Forgiveness Is Not Optional
Jesus commands it (Matthew 6:12–15; Mark 11:25). Paul reinforces it (Ephesians 4:32; Colossians 3:12–14). The writer of Hebrews warns about the “root of bitterness” that defiles many (Hebrews 12:14–15).
Forgiveness is part of our identity in Christ—it’s for our freedom as much as for the offender’s benefit.
What Forgiveness Is Not
It’s important to be clear: forgiving someone does not mean…
- Approving of what they did
- Pretending it never happened
- Making excuses or justifying sin
- Overlooking abuse
- Restoring the relationship to exactly what it was before
- Canceling all consequences
Forgiveness is releasing the right to revenge and entrusting justice to God.
A Pathway to Forgiveness
In The Cure, the authors offer “The Order of Forgiveness”—seven steps I’ve been working through:
- Admit something happened (stop living in the “fine” world)
- Recognize the consequences (loss of trust, shame, fear)
- Tell God honestly what happened
- Forgive for your sake—a vertical transaction with God
- Tell the offender if they repent—for their sake
- Separate forgiveness from trust (trust takes time)
- Seek reconciliation when possible—not just “conflict resolution”
Three Simple Steps
If you want a starting point, here’s a biblical 3-step process:
- Decide to forgive (Matthew 6:12–15)
- Depend on the Holy Spirit (John 20:22–23)
- Obey Scripture—pray for and bless those who hurt you (Luke 6:27–28; Romans 12:14–16)
Levels of Forgiveness
We may grow through stages:
- Rediscover the humanity of the person who hurt us
- Surrender our right to get even
- Revise our feelings toward them
And we may only be able to forgive to the extent we understand how much we have been forgiven (Luke 7:43–47).
Final Thought
Reconciliation—the reactive side of unity—may begin with me forgiving my offender for my sake, in a vertical transaction with God.
Forgiveness releases God to do what only He can do. It frees us from bitterness, reopens our hearts to Him, and makes unity possible again.
Resources for Further Study
Reconciliation for Me and Thee
The Poison of Unforgiveness – Joyce Meyer
Forgiveness: Healing the Hurt We Never Deserved
The Cure – Book Summary
What Are the Steps to True Forgiveness?
Mere Christianity – C.S. Lewis Excerpt
